it's a thought that's been lingerin' in the back of my mind (i know... either truth, paranoia or denial) fer the past month. i've developed the habit of talkin' to dead folks. i see "things" that aren't there. they float by, sometimes they stop....
i looked into the mirror friday and was mortified by what i saw. it was a skeleton of the person that i once was. i had a great passion fer life. a need to "do" somethin'. channeled my energies into my horses, the plight of the american mustang. the injustices they indure in the wild and in captivity. i'd spend 8-12 hrs a day out with my lil herd. learnin', teachin', gentlin', trainin', carin' fer 'em the best of my ability. now they sit and wonder why they live a life alone i fear. i'm not much use to 'em. can barely make it out to give scratches on random days. i have great guilt over the matter... i took care of everythin' on the place, now it lies in squander.....
i've a numbness that started at the balls of my feet. was innocent enough. didn't pay it much mind except when showerin' & towelin' off. no pain really, jest felt as though my sock had fallen in my boots & was wadded underneath the ball of my feet. more annoyin' than alarmin'.
it then moved to the fingers. writin' has been most difficult, i can't even read my own written word most times. illegible scribble at best. sometimes the numbness is more severe than others. i wrote that off as well. must'a messed somethin' up in my neck or back (residual effects from a bad wreck some years ago, my thought).
a porcupine moved into the picture, which was not a welcome thing. yes, a porcupine. the only thing i can thing of to describe the feelin' in & around my mouth. like porcupine quills pokin' out through the skin. the sudden muscle "tics" that makes one thinks they're havin' a stroke. feels as though the left side of my face has been hit with a mega dose of novacaine, courtesy of a dentist.
the porcupine has moved on, makes lil appearances from time to time, but the numbness continues. spoke with the doc about this ordeal. he said "peripheral neuropathy". not all too common, but occurs in folks with celiac disease, such as mine. nothin' that can be done fer it, he says....
this last bout of "what the heck" or what i'd akin a mild crash'n burn has left my body in complete disarray i fear. my ability to walk is greatly influenced. i've no more muscle. my knees and hips are fer the most part non-functional. i told my son the other day that i take my "walkin'" to be that of a Tim Burton movie - where the characters had their torso's on askew.
after not sleepin' fer a couple days (thanks, prednisone - coulda used that energizer bunny i normally get when takin' ya - what happened there?), i feel into a deep sleep after completely exhaustin' myself takin' a shower sunday afternoon. slept almost 8 hours in fact! my 1st thought was holy crap, followed quickly by "uh-oh".
yep, uh-oh. numb from the waist down - all body parts if ya know what i mean. roof of mouth, tongue, left side of face as well as the hands... i'm so tired of this! seems i've almost hit my resolve to jest quit and give up. crawl under a rock until the buzzards come.
wait a minute! i'm not a quitter! i went back to researchin' all the malady's, things the doc said and have found that perhaps my adrenal gland aint functionin' proper, or even at all again. could be vitamin deficiency, especially those all important b's. what, ya ask? when my gut goes into crash'n burn mode, my body doesn't seem to absorb much in the line of nutrients from the foods i eat. i go to take my blood pressure (which tends to run low - why? doc's say they dunno, but my research points to that sluggish adrenal gland) and find that i'm outta AAA batteries... how'd that happen? must find someone to fetch me some later today (it's 2:14am).
i'm gonna figure this out. i MUST figure this out. the medical profession doesn't seem to be very concerned with it due to the fact that i've no insurance. seriously? yes, seriously. was told this last visit (a week ago today, in fact) that if i had insurance, they'd send me to the Mayo clinic in arizona to have extensive testin'. i reckon if yer under insured, or no insurance at all, it's ok to let'cha jest melt away into nothin'.
yes, i took my adrenal stress schtuff. reckon i shoulda never stopped it, but ya know how it is. one gets to feelin' better and after a while it seems like a pure waste of money to spend. will take about a month to completely kick in, if that's it. in the meantime? more research on my part i reckon. am thinkin' a spa detox fer metals. have heard of 'em, but never been. yes, more research - gotta love the net!
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